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Comedy Misfits, 10/20/2017

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A VC stares dreamily at you.

VC denies his history of overt sexism by sexually assaulting his first male founder

Martin Jones, senior managing partner of Hexadecimal Ventures, denies his history of overt sexism by sexually assaulting his first male founder. Jones, who has received numerous criticisms for making unwanted sexual advances towards women, dismissed all attacks on his character by announcing that his most recent investment in Mama Bird’s Series A involved him giving the all male founding team “a round of deserving hand jobs.”

A sexless poo bucket stews in the middle of the open office kitchen.

Progressive Startup Replaces All Men’s and Women’s Bathrooms with One, Large Genderless Bucket

BoomMail, a marketing automation startup, reportedly marked their commitment to both non-binary gender acceptance and equality by replacing their men’s and women’s bathrooms with one, large genderless bucket. “We’ve said that we check our gender at the door. Now, it’s time we put our money where our mouth is,” Randy Parker, the company’s CEO, announced at the weekly All-Hands meeting. “And our non-heteronormative human waste where the bucket is.”

The head of partnerships eagerly looks for his next victim.

Head of Partnerships Guy at Tech Conference Repeatedly Insists “Let’s Explore Potential Value” to Anything Alive

Lee Burnidge, Head of Partnerships at Palm.ai, was reportedly ambling through the 360° Thinking Summit 2017 exhibition hall, announcing his enthusiasm to explore “creating potential value” to anything alive. “You have data, we have data, and, combined, our data will be more valuable,” Burnidge, mid-30’s and dressed in an oversized blazer and blue jeans, outwardly exclaimed to nobody in particular, while onlookers staffed at booths actively avoided eye contact. “Who doesn’t like data?”